In dreams when I am exacting revenge, I always go for jumping or stomping on heads which unfortunately and (very unsatisfyingly) never break. I’m powerless! Impotent!
I also dreamt about clandestine meetings in attics with television actors while downstairs a baby shower for a redneck couple was being planned.
I’m riding my bike down the street but it’s really uncomfortable and my thighs hurt. I realize it’s because my bike is shrinking and slowly becomes one of those big-wheel bikes toddlers ride. I get insulted so I throw it at the offender and miss. It hits someone else and a house so I’m really embarrassed and settle for just a big “well, fuck you.”
I’m at Disney World (I guess) with my family and we’re in line for a ride which is really just a movie. I go in the theater behind my dad and lose him. The usher asks if I have a ticket and I say my dad had them but now I don’t know where he is. My dog is in the movie which is now like a play and she’s nervous. I’m playing a computer game in my seat with my sister but an octopus comes by, does a little dance, and blows it up.
I’m in church sitting on the second level with my family and every time the hymn gets to Hallelujah the priest levitates off the ground. My sister and I find it especially hilarious and are choking back laughter while pious old ladies cast sideways glances. I notice two white kittens towards the end of the pew and then realize it’s one kitten with two heads. My aunt tells me how she found it in her attic where all the other cats live and I proclaim I will love it unconditionally while I am swinging on a swingset.
I’m at a fair and my sister is running the hot dog tent. I make a huge mess out of trying to put ketchup on mine. I notice a hot dog almost as tall as me sitting on the bench and ask my sister if I can eat it. She says no.
I walk in to my apartment and my papasan chair is in pieces. All of the sudden I get really dizzy and I fall on the floor. I’m trying to shout HELP but I can’t. My sister walks in and asks what I’m doing and I say I think I’m sick and my chair is broken. My dad comes in with a pink bike that matches a pink pair of shoes.
I’m with a guy I go to school with and we’re talking about how we almost dated. (We didn’t.) We end up having sex and it’s really terrible and I make him stop, partially because of his “dad” who is really old and wandering around, and partially because it’s just bad. I also have a boyfriend so I’m feeling extra-terrible because there was no reason for me to do this. Mario Lopez is there playing video games and I ask him for a ride home. He’s not going my way, but he points out that I don’t live far and it’s nice out so I can walk. On my way home, I stumble upon a Cheerios factory where reject Cheerios are thrown out the window into piles. There’s also a conveyer belt where bagels are going by and I steal a sesame one. I try to get out, but someone sees me shoving the bagel into my pocket. She stops me at first, but then lets me have the half of the bagel that doesn’t have sesame seeds on it. Another person I know pulls up outside the factory with some friends in his car which is one of those toy red ones with the yellow rooves.
I’m at a performance of something, “On Ice,” which is not in a stadium but in a theater and the stage looks miles long and is, well, ice. My phone starts ringing in the middle of it and everyone stops skating to stare. It’s my alarm, I wake up.
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My sister and I are in a tree next to a bird’s nest which we knock down to the ground. We’re scrambling to find the eggs but they’re so small they get buried in the grass. Instead, we find a bunch of ants-red, brown, and black. Then we’re in our living room and the ants are rolled up in huge balls, rolling all over in a huge fight. My sister and I run on top of all the furniture trying not to be touched by the huge ant balls.
I get a tattoo on my arm that says BOSTON in red right on my shoulder. The girl who did it asks me to take off the bandaid so she can see how it turned out. It’s faded and awful looking so she decides to try again, this time in black and with a big square around BOSTON. Now I have two tattoos on my arm that say BOSTON and all of a sudden I’m all “What the fuck is this? Why did I do this? I don’t want two tattoos on my arm that say BOSTON.”
I take a train with my parents to a place that I have been in a dream before. (This place does not exist outside of my dreams.) On the way there, I’m trying to explain to my dad about Oprah and “The Secret.” (Simpsons influence on that one.)
